So... I guess I should write up another post for 2015. I mean, I did promise to write up another post, this one possibly focusing on work, so here it is.
First though, not much new has happened since my previous post. Got my water heater fixed after discovering that it was a potential fire hazard. That was fun. Also been trying to find a new company to work for, but that hasn't been going too well. Otherwise, most of my time has been dealing with work and school, leaving me with almost no time to socialize.
I have a few problems with my job. The first is that software engineering doesn't seem to be the direction I want my life to go. I'm currently doing law school, and I'm almost half way through, and the more I do that, the less interesting software engineering is. Though it may just be where I work. I don't know for sure. On top of that, I'm not finding my work to me stimulating. I find most of it to be mentally and emotionally draining, while I get this sense that all we're doing is pointless busy work. And when I get a chance to do development work, something that our development team hasn't had a chance to do since we're currently assigned to assist a testing team trying to make a customer deadline, I find my development work to have a significant lack of direction outside of "Do this task" with a lot of negative repercussions if I screw up while almost no reward to it if I succeed. I also feel that, as far as team dynamics go, my opinion counts the least, though that may be because I'm the lowest ranked software engineer (2 instead of a 3, which is what my other teammates are), or, maybe I just have stopped caring as much. To compound matters, I feel like our direct manager is phoning it in, and doesn't give a damn about the team or our project. On top of that, our manager seems to take issue with us utilizing our CEO's open door policy (it's a small company, and our CEO treats our team, which is an R&D team, as his own pet project, so most, if not all, of our direct management actually comes from our CEO), and tends to get angry at team members who go to our CEO to get answers on some of our questions. To be fair, this is going over our project manager's head, but she is fairly ineffective at what being a manager that historically this was the only way to get results. I just normally feel so drained after finish work and school in a day that I question whether waking up the next morning is really worthwhile.
On top of that, with law school on my resume, most places I end up applying for just end up tossing my resume into the trash can. I think I'm going to remove it from my resume, at least so I can get my foot in the door. Possibly only mention that I have personal obligations that require me to leave Monday through Thursday at 5:30. I don't know how comfortable I am with that solution, but if I want to eliminate my 3 hour round trip commute to law school each day, I need to come up with some sort of solution.
Anyway, it's getting kind of late, and I have to rinse and repeat my whole day, despite me not really wanting to. There are more things I would like to talk about, but I won't be able to cover them while also being able to get some sleep, so ~Night
Monday, March 16, 2015
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Post Valentines
So I think I'm going to be trying to post a bit more often than I had previously. I don't know if it's law school or work or the long drive, but I'm feeling more stressed than I used to. On the flip of the coin though I've found it a little easier to talk to people about my issues than I use to. So I'm going to see about using this as a method of relieving some of that stress, and possibly better organizer my thoughts in my head about my current issues. Maybe this will succeed at that.
So the biggest thing that has happened since my last post was Valentine's Day. I got to spend the day with Jacob, which was nice. I currently live in Melbourne and Jacob lives in Orlando, so there was a bit of drive for that. I had an appointment at about 9 am, so when that got finished I swung by his place. We exchanged Valentine's Day gifts, then decided to find a place to do breakfast. We ended up deciding on a place for lunch that wasn't extremely busy 2 hours later. We then went back to his place for a bit before going out to dinner by City Walk. We didn't have reservations but we got to play minigolf while we waited, so that was fun. Trying to get out of City Walk after dinner was a nightmare though.
I like Jacob. A lot. Or it might be closer to say I love him instead of liking him. I just worry about whether or not he is happy with everything. I know I have a bunch of hangups with regard to intimacy. I know he has expressed some frustration at some of my intimacy issues. On the flip of the coin though he has said he's pretty happy with things at the moment. However, I can't help but feel somewhat guilty due to this. He would like to be able to do more... I just don't have an answer there, I don't know where to begin looking for an answer, and I don't know if I want an answer. If I'm 100% honest I find sex to be stressful and scary. There are times when it is enjoyable for me, but those are uncommon. It's not a "I don't find him sexy" issue. He's good looking, I love cuddling with him, love being in his arms, love his personality, like most of the discussions we have. Just, sex in general is not something... I don't know. Look forward to? Want? I mean I want sex, and I have sexual fantasies, and they (usually) involve Jacob. Just, issues with feeling sexy, wanted, a few other things, knowing that I'm horribly inexperienced... Maybe if he talked more during it, that might make it better. Or maybe if I can just get over my hangups...
Let's go to another part of my life that I feel is sub-par.
So Law School... Currently I live and work in Melboure, and commute to my law school in Orlando. I am currently in my 4th semester there, and when this semester finishes I will have 41 credit hours out of the 90 I'll need to graduate. I started law school under a host of different reasons. The first was that the thing I found most enjoyable in undergrad was researching the laws that applied to computer software. Another reason was that I was afraid that when I hit 40 I'd become unemployable in the software industry. A third reason was that I really wasn't enjoying my day to day work. Both my sisters also recently graduated with their masters degrees, so I was feeling a bit like I should try to out do their education status. All those issues combined, along with a few others, to have me begin taking law classes. Truth be told I do enjoy the subject matter, and my friends say I have more passion talking about law related issues than I do when I'm talking about non-law related issues. On top of that, I have somehow managed to be in the top 10% of my class. All that aside though, a part of me is feeling like enrolling into law school was a bad decision. Worse, I'm feeling like I have no good choices out of my decision. 4 days a week I drive an hour and a half one way to attend my class. That's 3 hours a day, 150 miles a day on my vehicle, just because of class. On top of that, it is expensive, and the legal market isn't in such a place that it would make a new law school graduate happy. But my biggest issue with it is the time. The sheer amount of time I spend driving, and reading judges drone on about how much impact the law has on others life so their opinion needs to be perfect, the time spent in classes, etc. I could be spending that time doing other things. Like exercising. Or hanging out with friends. Or writing. Or doing my own software development. Instead, I'm spending that time reading about two people arguing over the definition of a chicken, or locked inside my car driving over the same god forsaken piece of ground again. And the solutions to these problems? I could drop out. I have less than half the amount of effort required put into it, so that wouldn't be too bad. Except then I'd be admitting to everyone that I'm a dropout, a failure, a screw up. And I think those thoughts probably too often when I don't have a (arguably) valid reason to think them. On top of that, as I've said, I'm unhappy in my current field and dropping out of law school means staying in my current field. I could continue what I'm doing... which I really don't want to do. I want time to exercise. I want to be able to spend time with Jacob without spending 3 hours in a day in my car just going to/from his place, or 6 hours if I'm picking him up to be at my place. I could try to find a job in Orlando and move back into Orlando. But I own a house. I have a mortgage, and I'm not quite sure if I can rent out my house... both from a supply/demand point of view and a legal point of view. I've read through my mortgage and I'm starting to suspect that if I rent out my home, every penny of rent would end up going to the mortgage company, while I'd still be on the hook for repairs to the property. That seems asinine, but I think that's what my mortgage says. I'd have to consult with someone with more legal experience than myself. On top of the whole 'What to do with my home' issue, there's also the issue of finding work in Orlando. I often times don't feel like I'm competent enough to secure work elsewhere. And I don't feel like I could pass a technical interview. No one at my job seems to think my skills are in question, and amongst my technical minded friends I'm able to hold my own in most conversations, but I just feel like... I don't know... I could look into going full time, but if I did that I'd want to do that at a respectable law school and not my current one. Transferring would result in a loss of credits (UF, for example, only allows you to transfer 29 credit hours). I'd still have the house issue. I'd then have to live off of student loans for 2 years. And, if I'd be going to a different school, I'd lose my support network that I currently have. True, I could go to my school full time, but that perversely increases the price, because I was the one with the genius idea to go to a private, poorly ranked law school (it was the closest one to my work though). No matter how I look at it, it seems like that I have managed to put myself into a situation where every option is bad. It feels like I have complete control to put myself into bad situations, but no power to rectify them in a good manner.
Then there's work... That's another giant ball off.... I don't know. I know I'm under paid at my current job. By like 20k a year. Actually.... I'll probably talk about work at a different date. I... am unhappy there, but I'm not really sure why, and there isn't much there to be unhappy about maybe? I don't know, but that will be another post.
Anyway, I have some more opinions by judges to read, so ~Night.
So the biggest thing that has happened since my last post was Valentine's Day. I got to spend the day with Jacob, which was nice. I currently live in Melbourne and Jacob lives in Orlando, so there was a bit of drive for that. I had an appointment at about 9 am, so when that got finished I swung by his place. We exchanged Valentine's Day gifts, then decided to find a place to do breakfast. We ended up deciding on a place for lunch that wasn't extremely busy 2 hours later. We then went back to his place for a bit before going out to dinner by City Walk. We didn't have reservations but we got to play minigolf while we waited, so that was fun. Trying to get out of City Walk after dinner was a nightmare though.
I like Jacob. A lot. Or it might be closer to say I love him instead of liking him. I just worry about whether or not he is happy with everything. I know I have a bunch of hangups with regard to intimacy. I know he has expressed some frustration at some of my intimacy issues. On the flip of the coin though he has said he's pretty happy with things at the moment. However, I can't help but feel somewhat guilty due to this. He would like to be able to do more... I just don't have an answer there, I don't know where to begin looking for an answer, and I don't know if I want an answer. If I'm 100% honest I find sex to be stressful and scary. There are times when it is enjoyable for me, but those are uncommon. It's not a "I don't find him sexy" issue. He's good looking, I love cuddling with him, love being in his arms, love his personality, like most of the discussions we have. Just, sex in general is not something... I don't know. Look forward to? Want? I mean I want sex, and I have sexual fantasies, and they (usually) involve Jacob. Just, issues with feeling sexy, wanted, a few other things, knowing that I'm horribly inexperienced... Maybe if he talked more during it, that might make it better. Or maybe if I can just get over my hangups...
Let's go to another part of my life that I feel is sub-par.
So Law School... Currently I live and work in Melboure, and commute to my law school in Orlando. I am currently in my 4th semester there, and when this semester finishes I will have 41 credit hours out of the 90 I'll need to graduate. I started law school under a host of different reasons. The first was that the thing I found most enjoyable in undergrad was researching the laws that applied to computer software. Another reason was that I was afraid that when I hit 40 I'd become unemployable in the software industry. A third reason was that I really wasn't enjoying my day to day work. Both my sisters also recently graduated with their masters degrees, so I was feeling a bit like I should try to out do their education status. All those issues combined, along with a few others, to have me begin taking law classes. Truth be told I do enjoy the subject matter, and my friends say I have more passion talking about law related issues than I do when I'm talking about non-law related issues. On top of that, I have somehow managed to be in the top 10% of my class. All that aside though, a part of me is feeling like enrolling into law school was a bad decision. Worse, I'm feeling like I have no good choices out of my decision. 4 days a week I drive an hour and a half one way to attend my class. That's 3 hours a day, 150 miles a day on my vehicle, just because of class. On top of that, it is expensive, and the legal market isn't in such a place that it would make a new law school graduate happy. But my biggest issue with it is the time. The sheer amount of time I spend driving, and reading judges drone on about how much impact the law has on others life so their opinion needs to be perfect, the time spent in classes, etc. I could be spending that time doing other things. Like exercising. Or hanging out with friends. Or writing. Or doing my own software development. Instead, I'm spending that time reading about two people arguing over the definition of a chicken, or locked inside my car driving over the same god forsaken piece of ground again. And the solutions to these problems? I could drop out. I have less than half the amount of effort required put into it, so that wouldn't be too bad. Except then I'd be admitting to everyone that I'm a dropout, a failure, a screw up. And I think those thoughts probably too often when I don't have a (arguably) valid reason to think them. On top of that, as I've said, I'm unhappy in my current field and dropping out of law school means staying in my current field. I could continue what I'm doing... which I really don't want to do. I want time to exercise. I want to be able to spend time with Jacob without spending 3 hours in a day in my car just going to/from his place, or 6 hours if I'm picking him up to be at my place. I could try to find a job in Orlando and move back into Orlando. But I own a house. I have a mortgage, and I'm not quite sure if I can rent out my house... both from a supply/demand point of view and a legal point of view. I've read through my mortgage and I'm starting to suspect that if I rent out my home, every penny of rent would end up going to the mortgage company, while I'd still be on the hook for repairs to the property. That seems asinine, but I think that's what my mortgage says. I'd have to consult with someone with more legal experience than myself. On top of the whole 'What to do with my home' issue, there's also the issue of finding work in Orlando. I often times don't feel like I'm competent enough to secure work elsewhere. And I don't feel like I could pass a technical interview. No one at my job seems to think my skills are in question, and amongst my technical minded friends I'm able to hold my own in most conversations, but I just feel like... I don't know... I could look into going full time, but if I did that I'd want to do that at a respectable law school and not my current one. Transferring would result in a loss of credits (UF, for example, only allows you to transfer 29 credit hours). I'd still have the house issue. I'd then have to live off of student loans for 2 years. And, if I'd be going to a different school, I'd lose my support network that I currently have. True, I could go to my school full time, but that perversely increases the price, because I was the one with the genius idea to go to a private, poorly ranked law school (it was the closest one to my work though). No matter how I look at it, it seems like that I have managed to put myself into a situation where every option is bad. It feels like I have complete control to put myself into bad situations, but no power to rectify them in a good manner.
Then there's work... That's another giant ball off.... I don't know. I know I'm under paid at my current job. By like 20k a year. Actually.... I'll probably talk about work at a different date. I... am unhappy there, but I'm not really sure why, and there isn't much there to be unhappy about maybe? I don't know, but that will be another post.
Anyway, I have some more opinions by judges to read, so ~Night.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Oh hey, it's 2015
Wow. Didn't realize it was already 2015. Missed posting over a full year, but I've been extremely busy.
The biggest thing that has occurred is that I am now dating. Met a guy named Jacob, and our first date was October 28th, 2013.
The second biggest thing that has occurred is that I have started law school. I'm attending part time, while still working full time as a software engineer. So far I'm in the top 10% of my class, but I don't know if that will still be a thing at the end of this year.
Still at the same company, though I would like to look into switching jobs, as I'm not satisfied with what I am doing there.
Anyway, this is just a quick update. I'll probably make more detailed update in the future.
The biggest thing that has occurred is that I am now dating. Met a guy named Jacob, and our first date was October 28th, 2013.
The second biggest thing that has occurred is that I have started law school. I'm attending part time, while still working full time as a software engineer. So far I'm in the top 10% of my class, but I don't know if that will still be a thing at the end of this year.
Still at the same company, though I would like to look into switching jobs, as I'm not satisfied with what I am doing there.
Anyway, this is just a quick update. I'll probably make more detailed update in the future.
Friday, May 03, 2013
How is it already 2013
So... somehow it is already 2013. I don't know what to say. I mean, the last year has seen me extremely busy, but that is not an excuse for not writing in my blog/journal/diary/what ever this is.
Biggest news is that I'm currently looking for a house. I have enough saved up that I can cover a down payment with a FHA loan. I know it's not going to be the best house, but it would be a place to call my own, and unlike my current apartment, it would be mine. Well... eventually.... after I pay off the bank. I don't know what type of house I want though. Just, someplace with enough rooms so I can have my own office and guest room, and maybe enough space so I could do something like yoga indoors.
Speaking of yoga, around September (so, like 8 months ago) I joined a local gym. I also joined my work's running club. The sunlight and the exercise helps with my depression. I mean, it helps a lot. Or maybe not a lot. I just know that since I started, my depressions haven't been as strong. And I haven't been feeling as crappy as I did back in college. Though that might just be because I'm no longer a financial burden on my family or friends.
On the though of college.... I got accepted into a law school. It's only Barry University of Law in Orlando, but they offer a part time program so I can work full time. Will be working on becoming a patent lawyer. Not sure if I can survive the work load, and I suspect that, professionally and academically this will be one of the hardest things for me to do, but it's my choice. I might say this is one of the first major choices I actually made in my life. I went to my undergrad college, UCF, not because I wanted college, but because it was expected for me to go to one. I chose CE (then CS) not because of the subject matter, but because I was decent with computers. Sure, I was a big time nerd and a part of me wanted to do video games (which I'm kind of thankful I didn't get into), but it wasn't really a conscious effort. My school I picked because it was the farthest I could go to that my parents would let me. The jobs I worked while I was in school was picked by my father. Even though he helped pay my student loans afterwards (some of which did go to helping him pay his own bills), I still heavily resent him for that. Maybe it's just me, but I sometimes think that, if I did it by myself, no help from family, and did the student loans all by myself, that maybe I would have had a better GPA, finished faster, and would have left college with someone to hold me tight at night. Of course, it could have gone the otherway, where I'm saddled with large amounts of debt, no degree, and drop out... but... I don't know. Maybe that's what depressed me most with undergrad. That I was both a financial burden on my family, and that I couldn't, or wasn't allowed to, break away from them to do my own thing. When I left for UCF, my biggest hope was that I could have lived more... feminine. But having to help my parents every weekend, and working for a friend of my father's, well... that kind of killed that dream. Maybe if I told them that was what I wanted... No, that wouldn't have helped.It would have just made both of them irrationally angry at me. My parents, I think, are far too conservative, and far too christian fundamental for that to have worked. Odds are they would have disowned me. And, as much as I resent them, as much as I have such negative emotions towards them, I still... love them? Or at least, I feel like I can not be happy in this world with out their tactic approval. One of the main reasons I'm looking into getting a home isn't because I want one, it's because that's what a responsible girl does, and my parents approve of girls doing responsible things, and I want their approval. Hell... the law school thing... that's like an act of rebellion for me I guess. I don't think anyone ever studied law to rebel against their parents before. When people ask me why I want to be a lawyer, I give them answers about wanting to fix our patent system, or wanting to have the tools to protect myself from unscrupulous dealings... The reality is... I don't feel like I'm doing anything with my life. I don't feel like I'm on a path I want to be on. Law school, despite its high price tag and need to do it while I work, seems to offer a... rebirth? A renewal? A way to blaze my own trail? Maybe it just seems like the way to get myself onto the right path of life. Or maybe it's just a temporary solution, a work-a-holic's way of solving their problem.
Anyway, I know I have a lot more to talk about, but it's about 30 minutes after midnight, and I have work tomorrow... well... when I wake up. So if I am to get to work on time, I need to sleep now... ~Night!
Biggest news is that I'm currently looking for a house. I have enough saved up that I can cover a down payment with a FHA loan. I know it's not going to be the best house, but it would be a place to call my own, and unlike my current apartment, it would be mine. Well... eventually.... after I pay off the bank. I don't know what type of house I want though. Just, someplace with enough rooms so I can have my own office and guest room, and maybe enough space so I could do something like yoga indoors.
Speaking of yoga, around September (so, like 8 months ago) I joined a local gym. I also joined my work's running club. The sunlight and the exercise helps with my depression. I mean, it helps a lot. Or maybe not a lot. I just know that since I started, my depressions haven't been as strong. And I haven't been feeling as crappy as I did back in college. Though that might just be because I'm no longer a financial burden on my family or friends.
On the though of college.... I got accepted into a law school. It's only Barry University of Law in Orlando, but they offer a part time program so I can work full time. Will be working on becoming a patent lawyer. Not sure if I can survive the work load, and I suspect that, professionally and academically this will be one of the hardest things for me to do, but it's my choice. I might say this is one of the first major choices I actually made in my life. I went to my undergrad college, UCF, not because I wanted college, but because it was expected for me to go to one. I chose CE (then CS) not because of the subject matter, but because I was decent with computers. Sure, I was a big time nerd and a part of me wanted to do video games (which I'm kind of thankful I didn't get into), but it wasn't really a conscious effort. My school I picked because it was the farthest I could go to that my parents would let me. The jobs I worked while I was in school was picked by my father. Even though he helped pay my student loans afterwards (some of which did go to helping him pay his own bills), I still heavily resent him for that. Maybe it's just me, but I sometimes think that, if I did it by myself, no help from family, and did the student loans all by myself, that maybe I would have had a better GPA, finished faster, and would have left college with someone to hold me tight at night. Of course, it could have gone the otherway, where I'm saddled with large amounts of debt, no degree, and drop out... but... I don't know. Maybe that's what depressed me most with undergrad. That I was both a financial burden on my family, and that I couldn't, or wasn't allowed to, break away from them to do my own thing. When I left for UCF, my biggest hope was that I could have lived more... feminine. But having to help my parents every weekend, and working for a friend of my father's, well... that kind of killed that dream. Maybe if I told them that was what I wanted... No, that wouldn't have helped.It would have just made both of them irrationally angry at me. My parents, I think, are far too conservative, and far too christian fundamental for that to have worked. Odds are they would have disowned me. And, as much as I resent them, as much as I have such negative emotions towards them, I still... love them? Or at least, I feel like I can not be happy in this world with out their tactic approval. One of the main reasons I'm looking into getting a home isn't because I want one, it's because that's what a responsible girl does, and my parents approve of girls doing responsible things, and I want their approval. Hell... the law school thing... that's like an act of rebellion for me I guess. I don't think anyone ever studied law to rebel against their parents before. When people ask me why I want to be a lawyer, I give them answers about wanting to fix our patent system, or wanting to have the tools to protect myself from unscrupulous dealings... The reality is... I don't feel like I'm doing anything with my life. I don't feel like I'm on a path I want to be on. Law school, despite its high price tag and need to do it while I work, seems to offer a... rebirth? A renewal? A way to blaze my own trail? Maybe it just seems like the way to get myself onto the right path of life. Or maybe it's just a temporary solution, a work-a-holic's way of solving their problem.
Anyway, I know I have a lot more to talk about, but it's about 30 minutes after midnight, and I have work tomorrow... well... when I wake up. So if I am to get to work on time, I need to sleep now... ~Night!
Monday, June 11, 2012
A day... A month... Not too much of a difference
Well... I know I said I would post tomorrow about a month ago, but things kind of became busy. A lot of things. Still, at least it's more often than my posting schedule for last year.
The biggest thing that happened was me moving to Melbourne, FL. I'm renting a two bedroom apartment that is about 9 minutes from where I work. It's kind of cozy. My kitchen is kind of small though. And my closet is not as large as the one I had at my old apartment, but outside of those minor issues I'm liking the place so far. I wish I could say the same thing about Melbourne though.
On top of the move, tomorrow I take the LSAT. I know, law school might not be the best career option for me, especially considering that my writing skills are not as strong as they should be. But I think I would enjoy the course work, and maybe, hopefully, get into IP law. Though, I would be more than happy to settle on any sort of master's level program, I believe that law school might be the most impressive looking on my resume. My desire to go to law school though is not born out of some desire to study law, though I will admit that I do enjoy researching law. It's born out of the desire to not be one upped by my sisters. One of them already has a master's degree, though I think her degree is in college administration? Maybe Education? Not quite sure.... Anyway, I just don't want to be the one sibling that has the lowest level education in the family.
I already feel too much like the black sheep of the family, as if somehow I am nothing more than a disappoint to my parents and sisters. I feel that everyday, despite me knowing that I have no reason to feel it. I guess my major concern is that, if I can get enough education, if I can learn enough, that maybe that knowledge will fill the hole I have that I do not do enough in life.
Before I continue with any further long rants, I would like to mention first that I have been generally.... content with things for the last month. I still get the urge to indulge my bad habit, but I have not given myself new scars for at least 2 years. I don't know if I'm proud of that, as the fact I still feel the need to engage in such behavior makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. The major drive behind it is loneliness. I can get pretty lonely some times. Yet, the habit... it doesn't make me feel less lonely, or better about myself. In fact, when I still practiced it, I would feel worse about myself come the morning after, in a sort of disappointed manner. But, it would solve the problem for that night. A few times with my habit, and I wasn't there anymore. It would just... I guess.... turn my brain off. No thoughts would enter my head, no feelings of emotion, good or bad, not even an emptiness feeling. And the paper towels used for cleaning, when held against the light, became a sort of stain glass. I didn't have to think. I didn't have to feel. I didn't have to care. I could sit there, rocking back and forth, clutching one of my stuffed animals to my chest, and not worry, not feel a thing.
My major reason for stopping wasn't because I had tired from the habit. As I said, I still feel the... need? desire? craving? for it. It's that I started to move down. I started on my upper arms, which is why I have not worn a sleeveless shirt in a very long time. But I had begun to move down, down to my wrists... You could get so much more with less there. And, since it was less, there was a smaller chance of scars forming. And, no one ever looks at other people's wrists. Yet, after a pretty bad day, and that evening engaging in the habit, I spent the next couple of days dizzy and light headed... I had also gone through a noticeable amount of more towels... and I was afraid that, if I didn't stop there, the next time I wouldn't wake up in the morning. It's that fear that has largely kept me away from the habit, though I guess in this context it's a good and healthy fear to have.
Anyway, I didn't mean to rant so long about that subject. Just... I haven't written about it in any amount of detail, and it's something I don't talk about amongst friends.
There are other things on my mind as well... dealing largely with my age (I'm 26!), work, and how I feel that maybe, just maybe, there's a large subset of things that I can no longer do in life. But... I don't feel like ranting about those tonight. Maybe some other day.
Anyway, if I'm to do well on the test, I'm going to need to get some sleep, so ~night!
The biggest thing that happened was me moving to Melbourne, FL. I'm renting a two bedroom apartment that is about 9 minutes from where I work. It's kind of cozy. My kitchen is kind of small though. And my closet is not as large as the one I had at my old apartment, but outside of those minor issues I'm liking the place so far. I wish I could say the same thing about Melbourne though.
On top of the move, tomorrow I take the LSAT. I know, law school might not be the best career option for me, especially considering that my writing skills are not as strong as they should be. But I think I would enjoy the course work, and maybe, hopefully, get into IP law. Though, I would be more than happy to settle on any sort of master's level program, I believe that law school might be the most impressive looking on my resume. My desire to go to law school though is not born out of some desire to study law, though I will admit that I do enjoy researching law. It's born out of the desire to not be one upped by my sisters. One of them already has a master's degree, though I think her degree is in college administration? Maybe Education? Not quite sure.... Anyway, I just don't want to be the one sibling that has the lowest level education in the family.
I already feel too much like the black sheep of the family, as if somehow I am nothing more than a disappoint to my parents and sisters. I feel that everyday, despite me knowing that I have no reason to feel it. I guess my major concern is that, if I can get enough education, if I can learn enough, that maybe that knowledge will fill the hole I have that I do not do enough in life.
Before I continue with any further long rants, I would like to mention first that I have been generally.... content with things for the last month. I still get the urge to indulge my bad habit, but I have not given myself new scars for at least 2 years. I don't know if I'm proud of that, as the fact I still feel the need to engage in such behavior makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. The major drive behind it is loneliness. I can get pretty lonely some times. Yet, the habit... it doesn't make me feel less lonely, or better about myself. In fact, when I still practiced it, I would feel worse about myself come the morning after, in a sort of disappointed manner. But, it would solve the problem for that night. A few times with my habit, and I wasn't there anymore. It would just... I guess.... turn my brain off. No thoughts would enter my head, no feelings of emotion, good or bad, not even an emptiness feeling. And the paper towels used for cleaning, when held against the light, became a sort of stain glass. I didn't have to think. I didn't have to feel. I didn't have to care. I could sit there, rocking back and forth, clutching one of my stuffed animals to my chest, and not worry, not feel a thing.
My major reason for stopping wasn't because I had tired from the habit. As I said, I still feel the... need? desire? craving? for it. It's that I started to move down. I started on my upper arms, which is why I have not worn a sleeveless shirt in a very long time. But I had begun to move down, down to my wrists... You could get so much more with less there. And, since it was less, there was a smaller chance of scars forming. And, no one ever looks at other people's wrists. Yet, after a pretty bad day, and that evening engaging in the habit, I spent the next couple of days dizzy and light headed... I had also gone through a noticeable amount of more towels... and I was afraid that, if I didn't stop there, the next time I wouldn't wake up in the morning. It's that fear that has largely kept me away from the habit, though I guess in this context it's a good and healthy fear to have.
Anyway, I didn't mean to rant so long about that subject. Just... I haven't written about it in any amount of detail, and it's something I don't talk about amongst friends.
There are other things on my mind as well... dealing largely with my age (I'm 26!), work, and how I feel that maybe, just maybe, there's a large subset of things that I can no longer do in life. But... I don't feel like ranting about those tonight. Maybe some other day.
Anyway, if I'm to do well on the test, I'm going to need to get some sleep, so ~night!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
I post on valve time
Well... It's been a while since the last entry. Part of that reason is because I've been extremely busy. Part of that reason is because I kind of don't want to go too indepth about work... at least, not online. Part of that seems to be my lack of desire to write anything. And part of that has been a general melancholy that seems to permeate me. I'm updating now though because I can not sleep, and I'm in Illinois, far from friends, and kind of lonely (though, I have family, so I shouldn't be lonely.)
Anyway, before I begin with my emotional steps, I guess I should first talk about what has transpired over the last year. The biggest event is... I'm now employed in Melbourne, FL since the beginning of November of 2011. The company certifies aerospace electronics and software, making sure they're safe for commercial use. The things I like most about the job are my coworkers, and that there are always interesting pieces of logic to solve on the job, utilizing my skills in computer science (ya, I know, I'm actually using what I learned in school). The things I hate about my job tend to involve the use of spreadsheets... every day. And long meetings that I'm pretty sure I do not need to be attending. I want to do well at my job. I do. But a part of me feels like I'm detracting from the team in general, and that they would be better off if they had hired someone else. But then, with the exception of when I worked at my parent's gas station (yes, I no longer work there now that I have a career in my field), I've always felt that way, and it's probably due to general depression and not my own ability. Still... the feeling eats me up inside. There are some nights when I stare at the ceiling for a while, thinking that, fearful that, the best way for me to help the company is for me to either hand in my resignation or do something more drastic. My desire to not live on the street though is slightly larger than my depression.
Another point of news is that I should have my Computer Science degree. I say should have because I passed the class this semester, and all the paper work has been turned in, but I haven't received the final ok. I say this semester because, all though I walked last semester and had the commencement ceremony, I had to repeat my Operating systems class. That... was hard. Both in time, as driving back and forth to Melbourne from Orlando every day (60 miles!) and doing course work takes up a lot of time, and emotionally as I could not tell my family. At all. They all think I got my degree back in December, and I would like them to continue thinking that. I know I'm the biggest disappointment in my family. I'm 26, and just now getting my Bachelor's, while my sister, who is 24, is getting her masters, but I don't want my parents thinking that. I want them to at least be a little bit proud of me, despite my multitude of screw ups. And so, with out telling them, or anyone who would be communicating back to them, I took what, at the time, was a month's worth of pay, set it aside, and paid to retake the class. I now passed it, and my check off list says I've finished everything I've needed to finish to get my degree, but my graduation status is still listed as "pending", so my paranoia is still in full swing. Still, I should have my diploma soon.
Speaking of school, I don't want to be the only one of my siblings who hasn't went on to something post Bachelor's. And, a part of me feels that if I can climb high enough on the academic ladder, I might begin to feel... less depressed maybe? Or maybe like I've accomplished something important in my life? Anyway, regardless, in that vein I'm going to try to go to law school. I take the LSAT on June 11th, so I've kind of been studying for that. I haven't been studying as diligently as I should, but hopefully my effort will be enough to get me into one of the Orlando law schools, which I think is either Barry University or FAMU. I'll go part time starting in the fall of 2013 so I can continue to work at my Job in Melbourne, and hopefully I'll find a place to live that's at the half way point between the two to minimize the commute. The commute I do now is horrible, and leaves me almost no time to myself on weekdays ( a little more now though that I'm done with UCF.) If I don't do well enough on the LSAT, I'll probably find a house in Melbourne, try to settle there, and maybe try to start my own independent software development studio on the side, hopefully game development. As to what type of law I'm looking it, it will be intellectual property law. Having a CS degree will allow me to take the patent bar (even if I don't go to law school, I can still take it), so patent law seems one of the directions I want to go.
I've been running a DnD campaign since the beginning of the year. It consists of myself, Megan, Tony, and Brian. We tend to meet every other or every third week, depending on our schedules. So far it seems most of us are having fun.
I guess that's all the news... I do need sleep though, so I'll try to work on some of the more emotional stuff (yes, I know, this page seems to be one long rant towards depression, but it is at least something, and doesn't cover the major emotional states) later. In the very least writing some of this down has made me feel better, and has made me feeling less alone, so there is that. So... ~Night!
Anyway, before I begin with my emotional steps, I guess I should first talk about what has transpired over the last year. The biggest event is... I'm now employed in Melbourne, FL since the beginning of November of 2011. The company certifies aerospace electronics and software, making sure they're safe for commercial use. The things I like most about the job are my coworkers, and that there are always interesting pieces of logic to solve on the job, utilizing my skills in computer science (ya, I know, I'm actually using what I learned in school). The things I hate about my job tend to involve the use of spreadsheets... every day. And long meetings that I'm pretty sure I do not need to be attending. I want to do well at my job. I do. But a part of me feels like I'm detracting from the team in general, and that they would be better off if they had hired someone else. But then, with the exception of when I worked at my parent's gas station (yes, I no longer work there now that I have a career in my field), I've always felt that way, and it's probably due to general depression and not my own ability. Still... the feeling eats me up inside. There are some nights when I stare at the ceiling for a while, thinking that, fearful that, the best way for me to help the company is for me to either hand in my resignation or do something more drastic. My desire to not live on the street though is slightly larger than my depression.
Another point of news is that I should have my Computer Science degree. I say should have because I passed the class this semester, and all the paper work has been turned in, but I haven't received the final ok. I say this semester because, all though I walked last semester and had the commencement ceremony, I had to repeat my Operating systems class. That... was hard. Both in time, as driving back and forth to Melbourne from Orlando every day (60 miles!) and doing course work takes up a lot of time, and emotionally as I could not tell my family. At all. They all think I got my degree back in December, and I would like them to continue thinking that. I know I'm the biggest disappointment in my family. I'm 26, and just now getting my Bachelor's, while my sister, who is 24, is getting her masters, but I don't want my parents thinking that. I want them to at least be a little bit proud of me, despite my multitude of screw ups. And so, with out telling them, or anyone who would be communicating back to them, I took what, at the time, was a month's worth of pay, set it aside, and paid to retake the class. I now passed it, and my check off list says I've finished everything I've needed to finish to get my degree, but my graduation status is still listed as "pending", so my paranoia is still in full swing. Still, I should have my diploma soon.
Speaking of school, I don't want to be the only one of my siblings who hasn't went on to something post Bachelor's. And, a part of me feels that if I can climb high enough on the academic ladder, I might begin to feel... less depressed maybe? Or maybe like I've accomplished something important in my life? Anyway, regardless, in that vein I'm going to try to go to law school. I take the LSAT on June 11th, so I've kind of been studying for that. I haven't been studying as diligently as I should, but hopefully my effort will be enough to get me into one of the Orlando law schools, which I think is either Barry University or FAMU. I'll go part time starting in the fall of 2013 so I can continue to work at my Job in Melbourne, and hopefully I'll find a place to live that's at the half way point between the two to minimize the commute. The commute I do now is horrible, and leaves me almost no time to myself on weekdays ( a little more now though that I'm done with UCF.) If I don't do well enough on the LSAT, I'll probably find a house in Melbourne, try to settle there, and maybe try to start my own independent software development studio on the side, hopefully game development. As to what type of law I'm looking it, it will be intellectual property law. Having a CS degree will allow me to take the patent bar (even if I don't go to law school, I can still take it), so patent law seems one of the directions I want to go.
I've been running a DnD campaign since the beginning of the year. It consists of myself, Megan, Tony, and Brian. We tend to meet every other or every third week, depending on our schedules. So far it seems most of us are having fun.
I guess that's all the news... I do need sleep though, so I'll try to work on some of the more emotional stuff (yes, I know, this page seems to be one long rant towards depression, but it is at least something, and doesn't cover the major emotional states) later. In the very least writing some of this down has made me feel better, and has made me feeling less alone, so there is that. So... ~Night!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Post for May
Well... it's time for another blog post. Been trying to update this thing more often, but I seem to never be able to find the time. Still, about once a month isn't too bad, and hopefully I'll be able to do two post next month.
Last semester ended pretty well. I had a A, B, B-, and C+ for the semester. Not as good as I would have like, but it was probably one of the best semesters I've had in a while. I give the credit to two things... One, only working one job, and two, doing a decent amount of socializing last semester.
The socializing part is kind of strange... But, I know if I don't get enough contact with people I end up feeling isolated and alone and that I should just stop trying and curl up into a little ball and stop doing things. Last semester between the group projects and being able to interact with people, I think I got the bulk of interaction needed to keep me sane. This semester though... with only 2 classes, one of which is online, kind of isn't allowing me to do things with people. Hopefully I can find some other way of not isolating myself and feeling like I'm a horrible person.
On a side note, I've been watching Babylon 5 on netflix. So far it's a pretty good show. The first season is kind of stupid, but the second and third seasons so far are enjoyable.
Anyway, I have course work to do, so I'll post sometime late. ~Night!
Last semester ended pretty well. I had a A, B, B-, and C+ for the semester. Not as good as I would have like, but it was probably one of the best semesters I've had in a while. I give the credit to two things... One, only working one job, and two, doing a decent amount of socializing last semester.
The socializing part is kind of strange... But, I know if I don't get enough contact with people I end up feeling isolated and alone and that I should just stop trying and curl up into a little ball and stop doing things. Last semester between the group projects and being able to interact with people, I think I got the bulk of interaction needed to keep me sane. This semester though... with only 2 classes, one of which is online, kind of isn't allowing me to do things with people. Hopefully I can find some other way of not isolating myself and feeling like I'm a horrible person.
On a side note, I've been watching Babylon 5 on netflix. So far it's a pretty good show. The first season is kind of stupid, but the second and third seasons so far are enjoyable.
Anyway, I have course work to do, so I'll post sometime late. ~Night!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Glargh... Finals
So... I just got done with finals... Well, not just done. I mean, I finished them up yesterday, but still. I kind of feel better about this semesters finals than I have at almost any other point in my academic career. I know that's not really saying much, but the extra time I had because I was only working one job helped a lot in the beginning. Only wish I could have stayed focused a little more near the end of the semester. Still, that lack of focus may have had more to do with all the projects being due at the end, though I will admit, some of it was because I missed some class. Not a lot, but 9am courses are hard to make it to when you didn't go to sleep until 3am the night before.
In an effort to try to get me to wake up earlier, I have decided to cut caffeine from my diet, starting yesterday after finals. I don't like staring up at my ceiling for an hour or two at night, waiting for sleep to come to me. And I think that might have been part of why I missed some of my morning classes this semester... Well, that and staying up late working on homework. So far, I'm randomly getting tired in the middle of the day, but that might just be because I've only been getting 3 hours of sleep a night this week (well, with the exception of last week, which I got something like 11 hours).
Anyway, My birthday came and went. I'm now 25! And at that day I felt like a good chunk of my life has passed me by. Still, I'm feeling a lot better since that day, partly because I think I passed all my classes, and partly because I've been trying to do stuff with friends.
Going to need to find an apartment. My lease ends at Pegasus Pointe at the end of July. Two of my friends are interested with rooming with me, so I'll see how that goes. Hopefully we'll be able to find a decent place.
Attended this year's megacon. That was pretty enjoyable. Though I don't think it was as good as previous years. Still, was good to see a convention again.
Anyway, I'm starting to ramble, and I keep having to correct my own typos, so I'm going to call it a night... ~Night!
In an effort to try to get me to wake up earlier, I have decided to cut caffeine from my diet, starting yesterday after finals. I don't like staring up at my ceiling for an hour or two at night, waiting for sleep to come to me. And I think that might have been part of why I missed some of my morning classes this semester... Well, that and staying up late working on homework. So far, I'm randomly getting tired in the middle of the day, but that might just be because I've only been getting 3 hours of sleep a night this week (well, with the exception of last week, which I got something like 11 hours).
Anyway, My birthday came and went. I'm now 25! And at that day I felt like a good chunk of my life has passed me by. Still, I'm feeling a lot better since that day, partly because I think I passed all my classes, and partly because I've been trying to do stuff with friends.
Going to need to find an apartment. My lease ends at Pegasus Pointe at the end of July. Two of my friends are interested with rooming with me, so I'll see how that goes. Hopefully we'll be able to find a decent place.
Attended this year's megacon. That was pretty enjoyable. Though I don't think it was as good as previous years. Still, was good to see a convention again.
Anyway, I'm starting to ramble, and I keep having to correct my own typos, so I'm going to call it a night... ~Night!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Posting from the past, read in the present!
This might be the first post I've done in a while where I wasn't emotionally off-kilter. I blame this getting caught up on sleep last night. Hopefully I'll stay this mentally clear for a while.
First, been working on a lot of school work. My game AI class is having me write up a pathfinding algorithm, and my Discreet Mathmatics class is having me program up a Deterministic Finite Automa machine (Also need to write a conversion from a NFA to a dfa as well...). Outside of class, I've been watching Battlestar Galatica, and I'm pretty close to finishing it. Have to say though, the remaining 5 cylons... kind of feel disappointed in their unrealistic choices. Still, it's a fantastic series.
Over Spring Break (which was last week), I spent most of it working or doing stuff for school projects. Still, I managed to get a game of Munchkin in with some friends of mine, and that was pretty cool. I don't know how many people know of Munchkin, but if you have a group of friends, I highly recommend playing it. Megan, Kira, Chris, and Megan's Boyfriend Lucas all got together and played. Pizza also was involved =).
Thinking about getting a three hole punch, a few binders, and printing out all of my previous blog entries. Truthfully, I use this less like a blog, and more like a diary/journal. On the off chance that google ever abandons blogger, I'd still like to be able to keep these entries, despite how melancholy most of them are. For me to do that, I need to print them all out...
I signed up for an online dating site about 3 weeks ago. A free one, though, aimed at furries. I'm kind of a borderline furry. I like the art, though a lot ofthe sexual focus, well, some of it is ok, but most of it is disturbing. Anyway, signed up with a dating site directed at this group, and I may have a potential date from it. It's a guy who goes to UCF who's into going to anime conventions. He seems to have similar interest to me, so who knows. If we get along well we may go to megacon together.
Anyway, that's about it at the moment. I'm going to go start working on other things. ~Night!
First, been working on a lot of school work. My game AI class is having me write up a pathfinding algorithm, and my Discreet Mathmatics class is having me program up a Deterministic Finite Automa machine (Also need to write a conversion from a NFA to a dfa as well...). Outside of class, I've been watching Battlestar Galatica, and I'm pretty close to finishing it. Have to say though, the remaining 5 cylons... kind of feel disappointed in their unrealistic choices. Still, it's a fantastic series.
Over Spring Break (which was last week), I spent most of it working or doing stuff for school projects. Still, I managed to get a game of Munchkin in with some friends of mine, and that was pretty cool. I don't know how many people know of Munchkin, but if you have a group of friends, I highly recommend playing it. Megan, Kira, Chris, and Megan's Boyfriend Lucas all got together and played. Pizza also was involved =).
Thinking about getting a three hole punch, a few binders, and printing out all of my previous blog entries. Truthfully, I use this less like a blog, and more like a diary/journal. On the off chance that google ever abandons blogger, I'd still like to be able to keep these entries, despite how melancholy most of them are. For me to do that, I need to print them all out...
I signed up for an online dating site about 3 weeks ago. A free one, though, aimed at furries. I'm kind of a borderline furry. I like the art, though a lot ofthe sexual focus, well, some of it is ok, but most of it is disturbing. Anyway, signed up with a dating site directed at this group, and I may have a potential date from it. It's a guy who goes to UCF who's into going to anime conventions. He seems to have similar interest to me, so who knows. If we get along well we may go to megacon together.
Anyway, that's about it at the moment. I'm going to go start working on other things. ~Night!
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