Post Valentines

So I think I'm going to be trying to post a bit more often than I had previously. I don't know if it's law school or work or the long drive, but I'm feeling more stressed than I used to. On the flip of the coin though I've found it a little easier to talk to people about my issues than I use to. So I'm going to see about using this as a method of relieving some of that stress, and possibly better organizer my thoughts in my head about my current issues. Maybe this will succeed at that.


So the biggest thing that has happened since my last post was Valentine's Day. I got to spend the day with Jacob, which was nice. I currently live in Melbourne and Jacob lives in Orlando, so there was a bit of drive for that. I had an appointment at about 9 am, so when that got finished I swung by his place. We exchanged Valentine's Day gifts, then decided to find a place to do breakfast. We ended up deciding on a place for lunch that wasn't extremely busy 2 hours later. We then went back to his place for a bit before going out to dinner by City Walk. We didn't have reservations but we got to play minigolf while we waited, so that was fun. Trying to get out of City Walk after dinner was a nightmare though.

I like Jacob. A lot. Or it might be closer to say I love him instead of liking him. I just worry about whether or not he is happy with everything. I know I have a bunch of hangups with regard to intimacy. I know he has expressed some frustration at some of my intimacy issues. On the flip of the coin though he has said he's pretty happy with things at the moment. However, I can't help but feel somewhat guilty due to this. He would like to be able to do more... I just don't have an answer there, I don't know where to begin looking for an answer, and I don't know if I want an answer. If I'm 100% honest I find sex to be stressful and scary. There are times when it is enjoyable for me, but those are uncommon. It's not a "I don't find him sexy" issue. He's good looking, I love cuddling with him, love being in his arms, love his personality, like most of the discussions we have. Just, sex in general is not something... I don't know. Look forward to? Want? I mean I want sex, and I have sexual fantasies, and they (usually) involve Jacob. Just, issues with feeling sexy, wanted, a few other things, knowing that I'm horribly inexperienced... Maybe if he talked more during it, that might make it better. Or maybe if I can just get over my hangups... 

Let's go to another part of my life that I feel is sub-par. 


So Law School... Currently I live and work in Melboure, and commute to my law school in Orlando. I am currently in my 4th semester there, and when this semester finishes I will have 41 credit hours out of the 90 I'll need to graduate. I started law school under a host of different reasons. The first was that the thing I found most enjoyable in undergrad was researching the laws that applied to computer software. Another reason was that I was afraid that when I hit 40 I'd become unemployable in the software industry. A third reason was that I really wasn't enjoying my day to day work. Both my sisters also recently graduated with their masters degrees, so I was feeling a bit like I should try to out do their education status. All those issues combined, along with a few others, to have me begin taking law classes. Truth be told I do enjoy the subject matter, and my friends say I have more passion talking about law related issues than I do when I'm talking about non-law related issues. On top of that, I have somehow managed to be in the top 10% of my class. All that aside though, a part of me is feeling like enrolling into law school was a bad decision. Worse, I'm feeling like I have no good choices out of my decision. 4 days a week I drive an hour and a half one way to attend my class. That's 3 hours a day, 150 miles a day on my vehicle, just because of class. On top of that, it is expensive, and the legal market isn't in such a place that it would make a new law school graduate happy. But my biggest issue with it is the time. The sheer amount of time I spend driving, and reading judges drone on about how much impact the law has on others life so their opinion needs to be perfect, the time spent in classes, etc. I could be spending that time doing other things. Like exercising. Or hanging out with friends. Or writing. Or doing my own software development. Instead, I'm spending that time reading about two people arguing over the definition of a chicken, or locked inside my car driving over the same god forsaken piece of ground again. And the solutions to these problems? I could drop out. I have less than half the amount of effort required put into it, so that wouldn't be too bad. Except then I'd be admitting to everyone that I'm a dropout, a failure, a screw up. And I think those thoughts probably too often when I don't have a (arguably) valid reason to think them. On top of that, as I've said, I'm unhappy in my current field and dropping out of law school means staying in my current field. I could continue what I'm doing... which I really don't want to do. I want time to exercise. I want to be able to spend time with Jacob without spending 3 hours in a day in my car just going to/from his place, or 6 hours if I'm picking him up to be at my place. I could try to find a job in Orlando and move back into Orlando. But I own a house. I have a mortgage, and I'm not quite sure if I can rent out my house... both from a supply/demand point of view and a legal point of view. I've read through my mortgage and I'm starting to suspect that if I rent out my home, every penny of rent would end up going to the mortgage company, while I'd still be on the hook for repairs to the property. That seems asinine, but I think that's what my mortgage says. I'd have to consult with someone with more legal experience than myself. On top of the whole 'What to do with my home' issue, there's also the issue of finding work in Orlando. I often times don't feel like I'm competent enough to secure work elsewhere. And I don't feel like I could pass a technical interview. No one at my job seems to think my skills are in question, and amongst my technical minded friends I'm able to hold my own in most conversations, but I just feel like... I don't know... I could look into going full time, but if I did that I'd want to do that at a respectable law school and not my current one. Transferring would result in a loss of credits (UF, for example, only allows you to transfer 29 credit hours). I'd still have the house issue. I'd then have to live off of student loans for 2 years. And, if I'd be going to a different school, I'd lose my support network that I currently have. True, I could go to my school full time, but that perversely increases the price, because I was the one with the genius idea to go to a private, poorly ranked law school (it was the closest one to my work though). No matter how I look at it, it seems like that I have managed to put myself into a situation where every option is bad. It feels like I have complete control to put myself into bad situations, but no power to rectify them in a good manner.

Then there's work... That's another giant ball off.... I don't know. I know I'm under paid at my current job. By like 20k a year. Actually.... I'll probably talk about work at a different date. I... am unhappy there, but I'm not really sure why, and there isn't much there to be unhappy about maybe? I don't know, but that will be another post.

Anyway, I have some more opinions by judges to read, so ~Night.