How is it already 2013

So... somehow it is already 2013. I don't know what to say. I mean, the last year has seen me extremely busy, but that is not an excuse for not writing in my blog/journal/diary/what ever this is.

Biggest news is that I'm currently looking for a house. I have enough saved up that I can cover a down payment with a FHA loan. I know it's not going to be the best house, but it would be a place to call my own, and unlike my current apartment, it would be mine. Well... eventually.... after I pay off the bank. I don't know what type of house I want though. Just, someplace with enough rooms so I can have my own office and guest room, and maybe enough space so I could do something like yoga indoors.

Speaking of yoga, around September (so, like 8 months ago) I joined a local gym. I also joined my work's running club. The sunlight and the exercise helps with my depression. I mean, it helps a lot. Or maybe not a lot. I just know that since I started, my depressions haven't been as strong. And I haven't been feeling as crappy as I did back in college. Though that might just be because I'm no longer a financial burden on my family or friends.

On the though of college.... I got accepted into a law school. It's only Barry University of Law in Orlando, but they offer a part time program so I can work full time. Will be working on becoming a patent lawyer. Not sure if I can survive the work load, and I suspect that, professionally and academically this will be one of the hardest things for me to do, but it's my choice. I might say this is one of the first major choices I actually made in my life. I went to my undergrad college, UCF, not because I wanted college, but because it was expected for me to go to one. I chose CE (then CS) not because of the subject matter, but because I was decent with computers. Sure, I was a big time nerd and a part of me wanted to do video games (which I'm kind of thankful I didn't get into), but it wasn't really a conscious effort. My school I picked because it was the farthest I could go to that my parents would let me. The jobs I worked while I was in school was picked by my father. Even though he helped pay my student loans afterwards (some of which did go to helping him pay his own bills), I still heavily resent him for that. Maybe it's just me, but I sometimes think that, if I did it by myself, no help from family, and did the student loans all by myself, that maybe I would have had a better GPA, finished faster, and would have left college with someone to hold me tight at night. Of course, it could have gone the otherway, where I'm saddled with large amounts of debt, no degree, and drop out... but... I don't know. Maybe that's what depressed me most with undergrad. That I was both a financial burden on my family, and that I couldn't, or wasn't allowed to, break away from them to do my own thing. When I left for UCF, my biggest hope was that I could have lived more... feminine. But having to help my parents every weekend, and working for a friend of my father's, well... that kind of killed that dream. Maybe if I told them that was what I wanted... No, that wouldn't have helped.It would have just made both of them irrationally angry at me. My parents, I think, are far too conservative, and far too christian fundamental for that to have worked. Odds are they would have disowned me. And, as much as I resent them, as much as I have such negative emotions towards them, I still... love them? Or at least, I feel like I can not be happy in this world with out their tactic approval. One of the main reasons I'm looking into getting a home isn't because I want one, it's because that's what a responsible girl does, and my parents approve of girls doing responsible things, and I want their approval. Hell... the law school thing... that's like an act of rebellion for me I guess. I don't think anyone ever studied law to rebel against their parents before. When people ask me why I want to be a lawyer, I give them answers about wanting to fix our patent system, or wanting to have the tools to protect myself from unscrupulous dealings... The reality is... I don't feel like I'm doing anything with my life. I don't feel like I'm on a path I want to be on. Law school, despite its high price tag and need to do it while I work, seems to offer a... rebirth? A renewal? A way to blaze my own trail? Maybe it just seems like the way to get myself onto the right path of life. Or maybe it's just a temporary solution, a work-a-holic's way of solving their problem.

Anyway, I know I have a lot more to talk about, but it's about 30 minutes after midnight, and I have work tomorrow... well... when I wake up. So if I am to get to work on time, I need to sleep now... ~Night!