I post on valve time

Well... It's been a while since the last entry. Part of that reason is because I've been extremely busy. Part of that reason is because I kind of don't want to go too indepth about work... at least, not online. Part of that seems to be my lack of desire to write anything. And part of that has been a general melancholy that seems to permeate me. I'm updating now though because I can not sleep, and I'm in Illinois, far from friends, and kind of lonely (though, I have family, so I shouldn't be lonely.)

Anyway, before I begin with my emotional steps, I guess I should first talk about what has transpired over the last year. The biggest event is... I'm now employed in Melbourne, FL since the beginning of November of 2011. The company certifies aerospace electronics and software, making sure they're safe for commercial use. The things I like most about the job are my coworkers, and that there are always interesting pieces of logic to solve on the job, utilizing my skills in computer science (ya, I know, I'm actually using what I learned in school). The things I hate about my job tend to involve the use of spreadsheets... every day. And long meetings that I'm pretty sure I do not need to be attending. I want to do well at my job. I do. But a part of me feels like I'm detracting from the team in general, and that they would be better off if they had hired someone else. But then, with the exception of when I worked at my parent's gas station (yes, I no longer work there now that I have a career in my field), I've always felt that way, and it's probably due to general depression and not my own ability. Still... the feeling eats me up inside. There are some nights when I stare at the ceiling for a while, thinking that, fearful that, the best way for me to help the company is for me to either hand in my resignation or do something more drastic. My desire to not live on the street though is slightly larger than my depression.

Another point of news is that I should have my Computer Science degree. I say should have because I passed the class this semester, and all the paper work has been turned in, but I haven't received the final ok. I say this semester because, all though I walked last semester and had the commencement ceremony, I had to repeat my Operating systems class. That... was hard. Both in time, as driving back and forth to Melbourne from Orlando every day (60 miles!) and doing course work takes up a lot of time, and emotionally as I could not tell my family. At all. They all think I got my degree back in December, and I would like them to continue thinking that. I know I'm the biggest disappointment in my family. I'm 26, and just now getting my Bachelor's, while my sister, who is 24, is getting her masters, but I don't want my parents thinking that. I want them to at least be a little bit proud of me, despite my multitude of screw ups. And so, with out telling them, or anyone who would be communicating back to them, I took what, at the time, was a month's worth of pay, set it aside, and paid to retake the class. I now passed it, and my check off list says I've finished everything I've needed to finish to get my degree, but my graduation status is still listed as "pending", so my paranoia is still in full swing. Still, I should have my diploma soon.

Speaking of school, I don't want to be the only one of my siblings who hasn't went on to something post Bachelor's. And, a part of me feels that if I can climb high enough on the academic ladder, I might begin to feel... less depressed maybe? Or maybe like I've accomplished something important in my life? Anyway, regardless, in that vein I'm going to try to go to law school. I take the LSAT on June 11th, so I've kind of been studying for that. I haven't been studying as diligently as I should, but hopefully my effort will be enough to get me into one of the Orlando law schools, which I think is either Barry University or FAMU. I'll go part time starting in the fall of 2013 so I can continue to work at my Job in Melbourne, and hopefully I'll find a place to live that's at the half way point between the two to minimize the commute. The commute I do now is horrible, and leaves me almost no time to myself on weekdays ( a little more now though that I'm done with UCF.) If I don't do well enough on the LSAT, I'll probably find a house in Melbourne, try to settle there, and maybe try to start my own independent software development studio on the side, hopefully game development. As to what type of law I'm looking it, it will be intellectual property law. Having a CS degree will allow me to take the patent bar (even if I don't go to law school, I can still take it), so patent law seems one of the directions I want to go.

I've been running a DnD campaign since the beginning of the year. It consists of myself, Megan, Tony, and Brian. We tend to meet every other or every third week, depending on our schedules. So far it seems most of us are having fun.

I guess that's all the news... I do need sleep though, so I'll try to work on some of the more emotional stuff (yes, I know, this page seems to be one long rant towards depression, but it is at least something, and doesn't cover the major emotional states) later. In the very least writing some of this down has made me feel better, and has made me feeling less alone, so there is that. So... ~Night!