A day... A month... Not too much of a difference

Well... I know I said I would post tomorrow about a month ago, but things kind of became busy. A lot of things. Still, at least it's more often than my posting schedule for last year.

The biggest thing that happened was me moving to Melbourne, FL. I'm renting a two bedroom apartment that is about 9 minutes from where I work. It's kind of cozy. My kitchen is kind of small though. And my closet is not as large as the one I had at my old apartment, but outside of those minor issues I'm liking the place so far. I wish I could say the same thing about Melbourne though.

On top of the move, tomorrow I take the LSAT. I know, law school might not be the best career option for me, especially considering that my writing skills are not as strong as they should be. But I think I would enjoy the course work, and maybe, hopefully, get into IP law. Though, I would be more than happy to settle on any sort of master's level program, I believe that law school might be the most impressive looking on my resume. My desire to go to law school though is not born out of some desire to study law, though I will admit that I do enjoy researching law. It's born out of the desire to not be one upped by my sisters. One of them already has a master's degree, though I think her degree is in college administration? Maybe Education? Not quite sure.... Anyway, I just don't want to be the one sibling that has the lowest level education in the family.

I already feel too much like the black sheep of the family, as if somehow I am nothing more than a disappoint to my parents and sisters. I feel that everyday, despite me knowing that I have no reason to feel it. I guess my major concern is that, if I can get enough education, if I can learn enough, that maybe that knowledge will fill the hole I have that I do not do enough in life.

Before I continue with any further long rants, I would like to mention first that I have been generally.... content with things for the last month. I still get the urge to indulge my bad habit, but I have not given myself new scars for at least 2 years. I don't know if I'm proud of that, as the fact I still feel the need to engage in such behavior makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. The major drive behind it is loneliness. I can get pretty lonely some times. Yet, the habit... it doesn't make me feel less lonely, or better about myself. In fact, when I still practiced it, I would feel worse about myself come the morning after, in a sort of disappointed manner. But, it would solve the problem for that night. A few times with my habit, and I wasn't there anymore. It would just... I guess.... turn my brain off. No thoughts would enter my head, no feelings of emotion, good or bad, not even an emptiness feeling. And the paper towels used for cleaning, when held against the light, became a sort of stain glass. I didn't have to think. I didn't have to feel. I didn't have to care. I could sit there, rocking back and forth, clutching one of my stuffed animals to my chest, and not worry, not feel a thing.

My major reason for stopping wasn't because I had tired from the habit. As I said, I still feel the... need? desire? craving? for it. It's that I started to move down. I started on my upper arms, which is why I have not worn a sleeveless shirt in a very long time. But I had begun to move down, down to my wrists... You could get so much more with less there. And, since it was less, there was a smaller chance of scars forming. And, no one ever looks at other people's wrists. Yet, after a pretty bad day, and that evening engaging in the habit, I spent the next couple of days dizzy and light headed... I had also gone through a noticeable amount of more towels... and I was afraid that, if I didn't stop there, the next time I wouldn't wake up in the morning. It's that fear that has largely kept me away from the habit, though I guess in this context it's a good and healthy fear to have.

Anyway, I didn't mean to rant so long about that subject. Just... I haven't written about it in any amount of detail, and it's something I don't talk about amongst friends.

There are other things on my mind as well... dealing largely with my age (I'm 26!), work, and how I feel that maybe, just maybe, there's a large subset of things that I can no longer do in life. But... I don't feel like ranting about those tonight. Maybe some other day.

Anyway, if I'm to do well on the test, I'm going to need to get some sleep, so ~night!