There's got to be an opening somewhere here in front of me

I think I may be close to going off the edge...

I don't know. Lately, I've had almost no desire to do anything. The only reason I'm typing this right now is because it's too early to go to sleep, and too late to take a nap. So, right now my main reason for typing this is to kill the time between the blissful states of unconsciousness. Outside of work, and school I guess, all I want to do is to curl up in a ball on my bed, or escape into EvE, or do something else that, well, would probably get me locked up for 3 days if I did more than think about it. I've also been indulging in an old habit that, well, is the reason I make sure the shirts I wear are at least long enough to cover my upper arms, though the bulk of those scars I got back in High School.

When I'm around friends, or more likely a friend (I'm not part of any actual group, so none of my friends know each other), it's no where near as bad. In fact, the more depressed I feel in isolation, the sillier and goofier I get around others. Not, like, disruptive in class or anything, but... Of course, afterwards I always feel worse. I either do something to totally fuck everything up, or I do a lot of little stupid things, or I don't do enough good things, or... I don't know. Not that anyone says anything. Half the time, people expect me to do stupid stuff. Me and my morbid, twisted sense of humor. Like, last night, Kira and I went and grabbed some dinner, then hit up the local bookstore (I asked her to grab dinner, but the reason I was calling her was to return her call). I acted like an idiot there. And then I got a little too playful near the end. It's stuff like that that I do all the time.

I've also missed a few classes recently. No more than one class per class, but still. It's only a month in the semester, and I'm missing classes! Not a good sign. =(. And I don't really do anything productive during that time. I just end up feeling to guilty. Which makes me just feel worse. Luckily, I haven't missed any work because of this, but still, missing class...

If my parents found out about this, I'd probably get an hour long lecture from my dad about how I'm fucking up everything in my life, and how I'll probably have no useful future. And you know what, he'd probably be correct. All I am is a goddamn failure. If there's a way to screw something up, I'd probably find it. A few weeks ago, I had to swap out a touch screen monitor at a client's place for my job, and I managed to screw that up. Took 20 minutes when it should have taken 5. And that's one of my good screw ups. All I am is a screw up... To be fair though, I changed one of my main passwords to a variation of "I am not a Failure", just to try to force me to think that once a day. I don't think it's been helping...

And another point for being a failure, I'm 22. I'm single. Probably be single till the day I die. I can't find a boyfriend to save my life. Not that it matters much. Any prospect I'd probably scare off because I'd either be too needy, or too cuddly, or too emoish, or a billion other personal defects. And I don't approach anyone, which is another one of my problems. But when I see someone, and I want to say something to them, all I can think of is all the times I fucked that up in the past, and all the ways I could screw up that conversation. And I remind myself of all the other conversations I failed at. And I think, why the hell would they even be interested in me, or sometimes if they were interested in me, they'd say something to me.

And then, finances, I've been screwed. I have more bills then I did last semester, and a smaller income. And I don't want to ask my parents for any more help than they're already giving me (the gas to go back and forth every weekend, and allowing me to pay my car insurance through them instead of through the insurance agency), since I don't want to be the only one between my sisters and I that can't take care of her own finances. Of course, it doesn't really matter. They're all probably just waiting for me to fail or screw up or something. Probably expecting no less from me. Of course, the reputation is probably well earned...

I feel a little better now that I've ranted, but I still feel like everything's spiraling into eventual oblivion. I know things aren't as bad as I paint them out to be, and simple logic would tell me that no one wants me to screw up (except, possible, myself). Still though, I feel almost completely lost in my classes, espically my circuit design class and my semiconductors class. A good part of it is the math, though the circuit class has the problem of simply analyzing things, and the semiconductors class has reintroduced my severe hatred of quantum physics. And it doesn't help that the circuit teacher writes so small I can't make out the diagrams or the math, or that my semiconductor's professor goes through the slides faster then I can write them down. The worst part it, I think if I knew more about the basic concepts that these classes are referring to, I'd like the class. Of course, it doesn't help that my classes are about an hour and a half earlier then they were last semester. Though I have been going to sleep earlier...

Anyway, I think I killed enough time to allow me to enter blissful slumber, so ~Night!