Happy thoughts

Almost didn't post tonight. Almost decided that sleep is more important, which isn't true. Today was a pretty good day, actually, except for right now, that is. I don't know why I think these thoughts, I jst do. Everynight, before I fall asleep, all I can focus on are my flaws and screwups. All I can think is that I'm somehow a horrible person, and despite what I try to tell myself, despite what I think, there is a part of me that KNOWS this is a fact, knows it as a truth. And so everynight, as I lay staring at my cieling, I think these thoughts, and because there is a lot I hate about me, a lot I hate about myself, I have a lot to think about. I know I'm the jester in a group, but I wish I think before I act. I end up coming off as some stupid child to everyone. Even my friends. But if I minimize my contact with people, I won't act childish around them. But I need human contact. I hate being alone. Because being alone is meaningless. Yet every moment with others makes being alone even worse. And I know that that's all I have to look foreward to in life. I know that, when it comes down to it, my future will be a dead end job, living in an empty apartment. ANd so I think about a way to end that problem. A way to not end up living in an empty apartment. Watching everyone I know go far away from me. I don't want to see my friends move, I don't want to see them start a family, because I know that will end up being more time alone, being one step closer to the future I fear. But living alone isn't the only thought in my head. I hate how long it takes for me to get things done. I hate how I procrastinate. But everyone haes that about themselves. I hate how I burden my troubles onto others. I can not stand the thought of people I love, and people I don't know, worrying about me, wasting their time with thoughts that I might do something when they can be thinking about happier things. I know that if they worry about me, then they care for me, but it's unfair for me to do that to them. I also seem to never be able to accomplish something. In highschool, I had an oppurtunity to have college fully paid for, and I screwed it up. So bad that I almost fluncked out og highschool. A 1.9 GPA isn't a good thing to have in your sophmore year. I graduated out of Highschool, with a 3.0 oddly enough, but now I'm in college. Granted I still have a 3.0, but now I'm majoring in computer science, not psychollogy. My own descision, but still. I want to graduate with a psych degree, and move on to a PhD. I want to start my own practice. But I know I don't have the knowldage neccesary to get a medical degree. I know I can't study bio or chemistry with out failing it. Knowldage is power, ya right. Ignorance is bliss when one looks at oneself. I also wish I could spend more time with my family, but I never do. Largely because we have nothing in common, and I'm too busy distracting myself from life to see them. Yes, they live in the same place I do, but on average, I probally have about 10 hours a week worth of contact with them. Not that more would help any. If I had more, I'd somehow get dragged into doing some sort of project or other. That's not how I want to spend my time, and I know no one does either. But still, there has to be some other way to spend time with everyone. Some way that we all enjoy... I'm sorry to burden everyone with this stuff, so I won't continue on.