Well, today hasn't been the best day... not for anything that happened, but right now I wouldn't consider my self mentally stable. I don't really want to see tomorrow. But I don't want to die... I don't want to disslove into nothingness... yet... I don't care. Isn't that the conflict, though? Between duty and freedom? Duty to others to be there for them, yet the freedom to leave everything. And all it would take is a flick of a knife... no. I won't. I won't I WON'T. I don't even know if I should post it. Not that anyone reads it. I'm way too damn cynical. This is my corner of the world, my small space on the web, and I guess I'll type what I want to. I'll pay the consquences later. But it doesn't really matter anyway. Some days, I wish that when I go to sleep at night, that I won't wake up in the morning, and not a day goes by that I don't think about numerous grousome deathes for myself. I don't want to think about that, though, and sometimes I think about enacting them just to stop thinking about it. I hate thinking about suicide. hate hate hate. I guess that's a good thing. If I had more courage, or more faith, I don't know if I'd be typing here. I just get so.... I wish I could let myself go and cry. Still, depression isn't the worse emotion. I would mucj rather be depresses than angry. I hate being angry. I hate hating. I don't want anyone in my family to see this. I don't want them to worryabout me. I don't want people to worry about me. They could spend their time doing better things if they didn't spend their time worring about me. I don't have the courage to... I'm a corward. I don't want people to be in pain over me. I'm changing the text to black. I'm still going to post this, but I.... I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Maybe I should.
Maybe I shouldn't
Maybe I should.
Maybe I shouldn't
Maybe
Does it matter? I can't change anything, including myself, anyway. I hate myself. Hate Hate Hate HATE! Maybe I shouldn't be posting.
I don't want to die. I won't. I won't.
Besides, it's not like I'll find anyone. No matter what I do, I'm going to end up alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't!. That's my future. An empty appartment, a dead end job, no family. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to. There's nothing I can do. I don't want to see that future... but I don't want to do the one thing that'll ensure I don't have that future. I want some one, but who would want me? I have to go. This has been enough ravings.
2 comments:
Suicide, eh? It seems you're more qualified for psychiatry then I thought. Being able to relate to feelings of desperation in others by remembering your own issues would likely be quite helpful. Of course, you must first get past your own problems. Let's see if I can help you along. The easiest one to start with is consumer based. Think of something you like/want that will only be available to you in the future. If you die, you ain't gettin' it. This one works for me pretty well, since I have so many interests, but perhaps you find it a tad strange.
Lol... Always the capatalist....
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